I'm bugged, cos I got mugged by Ugg

Well Winter is upon us again, While I have not been going out as much as normal, we are now travelling to London every 2 weeks for my clinical trial. I have never really been a shopper, I would normally buy clothes when I had the misfortune of shopping with my wife. Now I love Emma, but she has the ability to compare 2 pairs of shoes for about 2 hours and then in the end put them both back. If I am with her, she is analysing every facial twitch I may have as she asks me my opinion. Her  eyes are on me like a bar code reader searching for any untruths that might manifest itself from my body.

Shoes are a real pain in the ar*e to buy as I am a wide size 13. The majority of shops (i.e. the trendy ones) go up to a size 11. The shops that do a size 13 are usually the shops you would point and laugh at from the street. I now tend to shop online which can be hit and miss.

My old faithful shoes with a kebab meat stain from day 1

I have a 60's Detroit soul quartet living in my wardrobe, they are called the four tops and I also have 2 pairs of trousers, that is the extent of my decent clothes that I am comfortable stepping out of the house wearing and 1 pair of shoes, they are a jaunty suede, boating style shoe. We go a long way back together, I think we saw in the millennium together.  The first day I bought them I dropped some kebab meat and indelibly stained them.
I was thinking about a new purchase for winter when my cousin Richard called to see when he could pop down to see me. He then said he had a pair of Ugg boots that should fit and would be perfect for me as they are light but extremely warm. My defeated, 30 years of hurt kicked in immediately, "Richard, I am a wide size 13 they won't fit" Richard seemed ready for this statement and quickly replied "they are a very large 12 and wider than any boot Ive had before , "Then bring it on sir!" I commanded.

Yes, I actually wanted a pair of these and was prepared to wear them outside

Richard came the next day and we spent an hour on non Ugg matters. He got upto go and then remembered the boots, He was in a hurry so left them for me to try on.

 I was thrown into immediate doubt by the length of the carrier bag. Out they came, my shoulders dropped, Richard had whet my appetite in the 24 hours since the call, I had been thinking about how I would wear them, sheepskin out? over or under trouser? Would I immediately be destroyed by my mates for wearing them? I was a "try on:" away from finding out. My toes dissappeared into the cosy boot and almost  at once I hit problems,  Not only didn't they fit, they weren't even a size 12, they were a 10. My Ugg boot dream was over, or was it?.

I typed size 13 Ugg boot into Ebay. Straight away a similar brown suede size 13 Ugg boot was on display and the auction was only a few minutes from ending. I gambled on £29.01p and 20  minutes  later was the owner of a pair of Ugg boots. Emma quickly passed my computer, "What are you looking at girls Ugg boots for?" My direct search had not included 'Mens" in the search, meaning children's size 13's were thrown in the list. Looking at the list again it had stated Size 13 UK , Size 1 US. I didn't know or care what the US shoe size system was but Emma immediately saw they were children's. I quickly emailed the seller, who had subnitted the boots 7 days ago, 7 days where you would naturally assume, was plenty of time for bidders to glean all the information from the clear posting before bidding. After a very sticky exchange of emails I did receive a refund and had to lay down through a fit of over apologising.

That, thank God was the end of my Ugg journey, or was it?.

The next day I received an email from Ugg Australia - "60% off Ugg's if ordered today", my wife had been asking me what I wanted for christmas for a few days now, we decide to order a pair, I pick the boots and it comes out at £90 . I make the transaction, and receive no confirmation that the transaction has been accepted, no email and then I then notice another window has popped up with an error code 032, I  smell a rat, I start noticing spelling mistakes on the extensive website. I call my bank to see if the transaction has gone through, it has! to a company in China, I ask if I can cancel the transaction and apparently I can't as there is no fraud at the moment, I will receive boots albeit not Uggs. 

You live and learn but a hat trick of issues led me to the back door where I shouted a volley of anti Ugg expletives towards the East.